Sunday, March 10, 2013

New City College to be Invented by Reinvention


Chicago, Ill.— A day like today, a spokesman for the Chancellor announced that a new City College will be established to satisfy the data driven needs of Reinvention. The spokesman, who declined to reveal his name because he is between jobs, or assignments, or two-way promotions, indicated that in line with the mayor's goals to develop new skills for Chicago, the College for the Manufacture of Consent will be erected somewhere on top of the Chicago River.

"Yes," the spokesman said, "the Aldermen are outdoing each other to take credit for the approval of the $500 million allocation needed to make this true under the guarantee that 250 jobs will be rearranged or rechristened in Chicago."

According to the Associate Vice Chancellor of Invention of Vice Chancellor Titles, Hewholl Bennext, the need to "replace top-notch managers at District Office has become a growth industry because the latest numbers we have carefully collected reveal the the revolving door rate has increased by 25 percent."

The new college will offer programs in: 

* High-Stakes Window Dressing
* Education Deleveraging
* 21st Century College Segregation
* Serendipitous Employee Pauperization
* Minime Recruitment and Retention

An array of brand new courses are already under development by Accenture consultants in collaboration with the Lumina Foundation. The expectations for this new college are high. The whole concept of higher education will be revamped. According to the spokesman, "Education as we knew it will be replaced by a check list of priorities that our job creators have decided as the new definition of education. Things that must acquired in the fastest time possible. Things that we can count with computers."

Lumina's "Select all your Associate Degree Courses Before Your First Day of College" will be an essential component of this new enterprise because every student needs to know what their only humanities class will be in their spring semester of their second year. Any straying from that meticulously designed plan will be avoided. "There is no time, resources or effort to be wasted," Bennext said. "Only the children of the rich have the luxury to inquire, explore, and of course, enrich themselves."

For that purpose, each college advisor has been assigned an additional 37.5 hours per week to splice together the education plans for the graduating classes of 2020 through 2030. While the first three years of Reinvention were momentous, this new phase is meant to emphasize the intensely different nature of the changes.

In line with the expectations of the Civic Consulting Alliance and its mother ship, the Commercial Club of Chicago, the economic efficiency of Reinvention will reach a new milestone. Fewer ordinary staff doing more work at the ground level, with more world-class business talent at the District Office.

A spokesman from the Civic Consulting Alliance on way to his new two-way appointment to DIstrict Office remarked: "The seamlessness of Reinvention is revealed with this new college. Once graduated, and duly counted, a student will be shoveled into a job for a company for which the City covered the interview and recruitment expenses."

As proof of this seamlessness the CCA spokesman solemnly highlighted the existence of Skills for Chicagoland's Future (SCHAF). "Hey, this is our latest outfit," the spokesman said. "The folks behind it are the same ones behind Reinvention. We are all a happy family. You can ask the Pritzkers."

"SCHAF helped a poor company hire call-center workers. You don't know how hard it is to find people with those skills, specially people willing to do this work for the modest wages involved. That's why we need the Reinvention," the second spokesman added.

According to SCHAF's accounts the call-center workers will call and recruit these workers to temporary jobs and temporary wages. Apparently, the beauty of this innovative arrangement is in that periodically one of the recruited workers will get to temporarily replace the call center workers resulting in a perfect circle.

Although this reporter was unable to reach the mayor for a statement, someone at his office said that he said: "I am very excited about this new college. This will be the definitive evidence that I am a number one in something. Something big. Levitating a college over the river across the Merchandise Mart is more than a symbol. It is the certification that I can use high-tech to justify anything."

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Copyright 2013, by the Pearl Broadcasting Corporation

Happy Fool's Day Era everyone.

PEARL

2 comments:

  1. Bravo! This is (unfortunately) too close to the truth.

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